I didn’t want to be a mother.

My marriage was great.  Weston and I spent most of our free time together.  My photography career was growing rapidly.  We could travel whenever we wanted without worrying about anyone but ourselves.  We loved our life.  Why did we need a child?

People pleaded with us to have children.  Some would complain about parenthood in one breath and talk about how we should have kids in the next.  They didn’t understand why we were hesitant.  I didn’t understand why they were so concerned with our choices.  I wasn’t ready.  Quite frankly, I wasn’t even sure that I ever wanted to be a mother.

It wasn’t until Weston shared with me one year that he really wanted to be a dad that I even considered it.  He longed for that promotion to fatherhood.  I wasn’t ready.  We were close to paying off all our debt and taking our dream trip to Europe, so I asked him to hold off a bit longer.  He agreed.  Weston isn’t always the most patient person, so I can never thank him enough for being patient with this.

While I was thrilled when we found out I was pregnant earlier this year, it wasn’t long before negative feelings started creeping in.  Did we make a mistake?  Are we ready to be parents?  Do I even want to be a mom?  I guess those are normal first-time parent jitters.  It certainly didn’t help matters when people made rude comments to me or when they told me I had to do things a certain way.  Someone actually told me that I was being selfish for doing things differently than “normal” people.  Let me tell you, that *really* made me feel warm and fuzzy about being a mom.

As my pregnancy progressed, I got excited about little things.  Keeping Camryn’s name a secret.  Feeling her kick (the only part I actually liked about being pregnant).  Decorating her nursery.  I was anxious to get to the end of my pregnancy, but terrified at the thought of being a mom.  I wanted to meet her, yet I didn’t want my life to change.

Even up to the week that Camryn was born, I wasn’t sure that I wanted to be a mother.  How could I be successful as her mother if I didn’t even want this role?  Then I heard God speak to me.  I believe He chooses to communicate to us in many different ways as long as we listen.  I often hear him clearly through music.  When I wondered if I should leave my last two jobs, God used aptly-timed song lyrics to tell me it was time.  When I was still terrified of motherhood and how my life was about to change, God used music again.

I was driving and the song, “Yes I Will,” by Vertical Worship started playing.

I count on one thing
The same God that never fails
Will not fail me now
You won’t fail me now
In the waiting
The same God who’s never late
Is working all things out
You’re working all things out 

In that moment, I felt so much peace about becoming a mother.  God had never failed me before.  Why did I think he would fail me now?  I knew He was working all things out for our good.  Children are a good thing.  Psalm 127:3 says that children are a heritage from the Lord.  A heritage.  What an honor that God would trust US with this child.

The song continued.

Yes I will, lift You high in the lowest valley
Yes I will, bless Your name
Oh, yes I will, sing for joy when my heart is heavy
All my days, oh yes I will  

My heart had been heavy for months and now it felt weightless.  Even though our lives were about to change, I knew we were in God’s hands.  I knew I should praise God.  Praise Him for the miraculous life he created inside me that was about to change our lives.  Praise Him that even on hard days, I can feel immense gratitude for this season.

Although others had opinions about when we should have started our family, the timing was perfect for us.  And God knew that.  He doesn’t make mistakes.

Fast forward three months later and I absolutely love my daughter.  My primary love language is quality time, so naturally I want to spend all my free time with her and Weston.  We love watching her discover little pieces of the world.  We love seeing her smile and get excited.  I didn’t want to be a mother, but I sure do love being Camryn’s mom.